My thoughts finally hit the paper in order

All or nothing
Balls in kind of gal
If this is over
Don't expect a pal
Lies and tears
Grays and fears
Dissapointment at no surprise
The one you love you'll soon despise
Blurry lines of love and hate
Its the reality of it all I guess its fate
Bewildered bamboozled and disposed
The truth has yet to be exposes
Thirsty desire weary and tired
Discouraged demoted practically fired
The hope I once held onto so strong
What kept me here is so wrong
There is such thing as holding on
To long
My mind is running my feet are still
The kind of love to die for or kill
My heart it aches it bleeds it dies
For has lost the fight with countles tries
I wither I slumber I fall
I cry I sigh all thanks to your wall

I know your looking at me but Im gonna need you to open your eyes and look in me
I want you to see I want you to feel I want you to understand why..
I looked down and there is no net there is no one there to catch me not even you
I begin to tremble and sweat my heart will stop before I even had the chance to crash down
This balancing act has got me sick but am at the middle of the tight rope I can either go back or go forward
but I just cant just jump ..Ive weathers storms on this mile long tight rope ... high winds and even hail
So im gonna need you to open your eyes and really see and really feel ... Because im on the verge of jumping and it wont matter wether your there to catch me or not because i am tired I am weary .. 

I have been cursed with the ability to feel. This burden burns from within threw my veins and every single inch of me. I have the logic yet is ignored I've been cursed with emotions thank you eve .. emotionally driven into a wreck. It is part of me and yet i strive to achieve pure numbness and if that its so impossible maybe i should learn how to act better how to put up a front and not let the world that I'm crumbling with every step i take and yes i hold my head high.. i want the ability to say I don't care even when I'm dying a slow and pain full death on the inside .. I ve been looking for that heart of ice but mine is so warm and cuddly it craves attention and affection  But yet it is bombarded with neglect and abuse you would think by now it would have grown some stuff skin but no it is still gullible . I feel and that's the problem ... instead of being a man thinking with his dick I am a woman thinking with my heart . Simply lost in this sea of emotion .. How the hell did i get here I've been here before believing every word putting up with all kinds of nonsense just to prove my love .. I feel and that's a problem cause apparently some of us were blessed with hearts of ice and a cold stare ..Some of us feed of the pain of others .. and some of us just enjoy causing pain.. But in my strive for numbness I would become what I despise and cause pain to those who don't deserve it by than i would be to numb to care and would just think better them than me. By than it would be too late by than i would just be a heartless drone or someone too scarred to try again by than I would be so numb that love would not exist for me . But still i just dont wanna feel, but yet i know Im close to that numbness that i seek .. I feel the rage i feel the fire a voice that yells no more ! not me not i not ever the time will come .. the question is when?

writers block is a bitch so many thoughts yet no release
thinking to much cant arrange the words and they all pile up one on top of another .Description s nouns verbs letters number all a mumbo jumbo .Constipated emotions I should be brought to my knees by this point but my heart has gone on strike refusing to feel. I am stuck I am numb . Blow after blow and I cant feel a thing . I have finally achieved numbness but at what cost and how long will it last . It should be euphoria is this not what i wanted.. Its actually the opposite of what i imagined just because i cant feel it , does not mean it dont hurt  and just because I havent cried wont mean that the tears wont come. Instead i feel heavy every last emotion weighing me down at the core. making me sluggish making me stone like .. waiting to be purged but there is no exit for these feelings bottled up denial is the cap the keeps them in and reality its whats causing a ruckus waiting for the pressure to get to much and booom Burst!!

La Fortaleza

Ladrillo a ladrillo clavos y cemento
e contruido una  fortaleza  fuerte y alta
rodeada con alambre de puas
Que fortaleza  mas fuerte
pero de cada rato se le cai un ladrillo
con las esperansa que no se necesitara
ladrillo a ladrillo
clavo a clavo
protegiendo a algo tan debil
y tan frajil
ella misma se repara
es el temor que la hace crecer
y duda la que la alimenta
Fortaleza  alta y fuerte
hay veces que le derumbas
y lo que queda es un corazon
un corazon escondiendo se de el sol
avergonzado totalmente cuvierto
de pies a cabeza en cicatrices
le farta pedasos
y hasta anda un poco ciego
anda con baston porque esta  cojo
cansado de estar escondiendo en su fortaleza
cansado de su solor dejando me presa
se a parado cicatrises y todo
dolor y pedasos perdidos
y a decido a dejarte entrar
juntos a demolar a esa fortalesa
no le agas lamentar
cuidelo porque es tullo
y porfavor devuerle su orgullo

White little lie

She came knocking on my door
women's intuition
if i ignored she knocked more
i felt it in my gut
intuition
yeah no proof no such luck
she said open your eyes
and really look
you can not learn this
it is not in a book
You were given a word
and chose to believe
a little white lie that flies like a bird
innocent and pure with good intentions
white little lie you are still a lie
a heart aches intervention
white little lie you are still a lie
and even tho you are here to protect me
white little lie you are still a lie
I know i should just let you be
but white little lie you are still a lie
a lie that I can not proof
white little lie you are still a lie
and not so little of a spoof
a broken word that i counted on
that if it breaks any more
ill be gone
white little lie you are still a lie
and the fact that i accepted you
does not make you true
white little you are still a lie
that makes me soo blue
and i cant sit here lying to my self believing in you
because white little  lie you are still a lie
and I want no part of you ..

Hablando con mi corazon

Es que el corazon no me deja
y este odio que no se me despega
y que cada ves que pienso en eso, me altera
corazon arrastrado, maltrado y abusado
como te paras hoy ?
como as sobrevivido esa tormenta
corazon partido y roto
como te miras al espejo hoy
sabiendo que perteneses al culpado
al que no penso en ti
el que te destrullo y no miro ni para tras
corazon como to te paras hoy
y como te miras al espejo
al saver que se ta a olvidado todo tu morajela
te as tragado tu orgullo corazon
te lo as  tragado sin ganas pero con Fuersa
corazon perdido bobo ye despistado
como no te distes cuenta
corazon eres sordo porque no me contestas?
simplemente repondio no tengo la respuestas
 lo que se es que cadaves que se te aserca
yo comienso a palpitar
y solo de pensar que el no estara
yo comienso a llorar
y solo su mirada me puede deretir
y lla yo se que nunca me voy a ir
La unica respuesta que queda
es simplemente amor
amor absoluto
amor incondicional
amor puro
y no de lujo
amor con pasion
amor de puro corazon

October 21 2010

Sick and tired of being sick and tired, so tired sometimes I wouldnt mind getting fired.Tired of busting my ass everyday from June to May. My pockets still feel the same, you a helping father ? You aint nothing but a last name who can only talk a big game. Tired of expectations and giving explanations .Tired when i wake up ,tired when guest wont STFU. Tired of the smutty birds ,not tired of the drinks that make my speech slurred. Tired of the pain and waiting for the rain.Tired of the pointless day dreaming. Tired of my thoughts always screaming.... Tired of it all...but most of all, just Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

old poem June 11 2010

My heart drops at the thought...while my blood begins to speed up racing for the falling heart creating an adrenalin rush .. the slow thump turns into a car engine and my ears get hot.. I almost feel the steam I kid you not. Bewildered in a world of things gone wrong.. a world that suddenly wants a piggy back ride as if my mind is not polluted enough weighing me down I can no longer walk with my  head held he high ..a feeling of defeat comes over me my eyes can no longer barricade the water fall the teases at they're edge..yet this tears do no represent sadness...although that's what they might depict ...they're a sign of self control from anger that wants to escape from the bottom of my soul and anger fueled with evil thoughts. The rosary I bear upon my chest is only for protection feels like the devil himself puts these thoughts in my head..or could I be that sick and twisted to actually create this images that protrude into my thoughts holding me hostage en caged by my own lack of self control..lord knows I'm trying but there's a fire that burns in my chest..and it won't be put out till I'm a satisfied...but how I get no satisfaction no one has felt what I felt and a sick part of me wants to inflict this pain upon someone else in a sense of getting rid of it.. this poison that runs threw me with no antidote...nothing to keep it at bay but my own will...a will becoming weary and slowly fading .. weak and tired..how do I rid my self of this darkness that constantly hovers over me praying on my every moment of weakness patiently waiting for the perfect moment to strike..and who is to say I have the strength to not give in..anger over sadness one can be controlled while the other is like a wild forest fire that just keeps growing uncontrollably till everything in its path is entirely consumed ...darkness is all that is left ..all that comes over me and I'm completely lost in it..

Old poem May 24 2010

I walked out in the rain today.. in search of the impossible
I walked out in the rain wishing to hide from the world in between the rain drops...
It poured down on me but it could not wash away the pain
And it could not erase the thougths that kill me no, not even the rain
It could only muzzle the sound of my thoughts but a lil
It could only distract me but so much as it rushed upon me
I walked out in the rain today and fun was not the case...
I walked out in the rain today to hide the tears running down my face....

Old poem last one of 2009

i am convinced I have met him
who u may ask
he i will say
the spawn of Satan, wears a fitted, rocks an ipod with a flashy smile
you would never know is him , cause deception run threw his veins
the dream snatcher hope crusher and tear bringer
The god damn devil him self hes seed hes junior
reincarnated in you.... I ve met him hes heart is cold is ice
if theres even one to refer to. U could never tell by the way he looked at you.
Lies is what he breaths and he feeds of my pain
He walks dry threw the rain..
yet you cant help but to love him as he brings forward your demise
you let go and get lost in his eyes
and even crave his embrace and his kiss on your face..
and you would run if you could but that is not the case
I am possessed by your demonic ways and even if you told me to leave i would choose to stay.
and even if you told me you hated me i would still love you...
In the process of it all i need an exorcism
to get rid of him
It makes me sick to my stomach
you have broken me in more ways than one
Yet my heart is still yours
Its ours...
At least it was

Old poem December 10 2009

As my life turns around so does my frown right up side down .
I have to be strong not only for my sake but for yours .
Dry bright eyes that no longer cry .
No longer Faking my smile well over due its been a long while .
A certain Melo wants to come back.
She always had my back. She knew better , when to let go, when to say no and always proud enough to say fuck you .
Shes dying to be set free. desperate almost ashamed of whats become of me, and how weak I've become she questions my choices and screams its not worth it.
I reply where the hell you been you disappeared, did you quit on me ?
Never she replies I was only wondering how long you would live these lies
and prayed you would never let me die.For i am you and you are I ...
So please set me free she pleads don't worry this time ill take the lead..
I'll make you stand tall and never let you fall and that your head will always be held high and never believe not one lie..
I will open your eyes and you will see deceit and the malice of the world.. no longer will your world be sugar coated and you know its true...
you just wrote it.....

Old poem November 18 2009

Bastards lovers deceivers cheaters and liars /Haters bitches and cowards/Stabb you in the back smile in your face /Life the vicious cycle/The never ending race /Love hate tears and joy
To be loved or used as a toy /To be lied to be cried to/Bastards your own mothers fathers brothers and sisters/Your own flesh and blood would deceive ya/Imagine a stranger full of hate
Can't let go of something for years till this date/Bastards you her and him /Nothing changes all the same/Nothing but a different name /Bastards the cause behind tears/No longer a fear/Bastards assholes bitches and snitches .. /The strength behind my anger/The force behind my smile /The words for my poem /The heat behind the bullet/The thunder in my storms
The fire in this hell /The truth I always tell/I see the evil in the world /The evil in these people /The evil in your eyes /The devil in disguise/Bastards the world is filled with them/But who am I to condemn/ I am probably just like them

I will not break

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders
but I will not stop walking
My feet drag beneath me, but quitting is not an option
Not an option, not a choice
No way in hell you can silence my voice
weak legs and all, i move forward
Never looking behind
 I am no longer blind
Is sad to know how bad you crossed the line
My feet may hurt and my back maybe breaking
I am not a quitter, you  must have me mistaken
I stand tall and dont acknowledge your presence
I do it with pride it comes natural its in my  essence
I stand tall and theres no budging
but your concience ill be nudging
Lies are what you breathe
and failures what you reek off
A coward a fake
an asshole , a snake
an abomination
with no salvation
the dirt below my feet
A waste of skin an air
to think i played fare
and even cared
I laugh at you but with no pitty
cause you must really think your witty
Im not the one and never been
I guess this is when war begins.
My pride my joy you will not take
no matter how hard i will not brake.
I work hard to show him whats best
so when hes older he'll be fine to leave the nest
no role model in you
no map for life not even a clue
your a fake hero in his eyes
his to young to notice your lies
an realize that your nothing but an excuse 
and my kindness you abused
You low life you felon
ignoring the bullshit you yelling
I wont back down
you bitch you clown
having a dick dont make you a man
was that your best shot
papa you will not win you  have no game plan
I give you no credit i cut you not slack
you give your son nothing
yet  brag about stacks
You brag about being in jail
but that s a tale thats already stale
Your in a gang and no you aint cool
it only makes you look like a fool
a fool with  no direction
a parasite, an infection
the only thing  i give you credit for is his creation
so although your blood runs threw hes veins
you are no longer needed
your job has been succeded
My pride and joy you will not take
no ever not today
So I guess ill get the card on fathers day....

so what is love ?

 That one moment everything around us stopped
and we kept on in slow motion
But it all happened so fast
Thank god it did not last .
I gasped for air lost in that moment
I saw stars while everything else got dark
and for that one moment we lost the spark
Life is nothing but moments
Love is nothing but pain
Love is the smile on my face
and the tears in my eyes
Love is why i still stand before you not giving up
But what is love to you
was love what brought us to that moment?
is love what kept me from fighting back
I look at my self ashamed and unnamed
Where have I gone Where have I been
This is not me
the marks upon my flesh speak of a different story
How could this be?
You literally hurt me
My heart is not the only thing that aches
How many sorrys will it take
how many more times will I be made feel like an option before I break
Love is what brought us here
love is what kept me here..
Its unconditional But I refuse to loose myself
I refuse to give up my believes
I refuse to be just another even tho Ive been made feel like this plenty
So what is love?
If I cant love me 

No place like home

It was alaways warm and sunny
As a child life was great it was funny
a breeze so smooth and sound so peacefull
 I dont know how ive come to hate people.
We went to the beach in November
No coat ever that  I remember .
Life was great life was simple
Life was nature my smile had a dimple
Ive never felt such freedom any where else
because there is no place like it
no place like home

Twitter and Facebook Rehab

Sitting here reminiscing about life's simplicity prior to the social network craze. I currently deleted my twitter and I must say this does feel like rehab cause i actually miss it . Too bad it was causing problems in my personal life. People always tend to say how you shouldn't take the Internet so seriously , so why are people loosing they're jobs over it and  relationships ruined because of it. Our constant dependency on feeling connected make it hard to step away from, hard to not constantly check your phone for new updates. Its been less than a week without twitter . I only made it two days without face book. The anonymity of the social network has made people forget how to do simple things such as socializing and actually meeting people.It gives anti socials like myself the impression that we are actually socializing that we have friends. Once Face book was gone i Realized how secluded I've become and although it may say 465 friends the friends i have can only be counted with my hands . Only one of those 465 "friends" noticed i was gone , my best friend.